AUTHOR: JESS T. NOVA [ INSTA ]
PUBLISHED: 30TH JUNE 2020
Our feelings of guilt, regret, and sympathy are put into their physical form by someone simply saying the word ‘sorry’. Yet, many of us are prone to apologizing even when these feelings aren’t present. Maybe they are, however, in these cases, it’s often related to the feelings of anxiety and social awkwardness and not for the real purpose of the word.
Over-apologizing has always been a long-running joke to make light of somewhat awkward social skills, but this habit contributes to other issues which are most common in young adults and those with anxiety and even depression. Although research isn’t abundant on this topic, when ‘sorry’ is used too often by someone, it loses its meaning of remorse.
It’s probably not hard to remember the last time you apologized for something that didn’t even need an apology. For example, when was the last time you had the door held open for you? Did you say thank you, or, did you utter a quick apology and quickly scurry past, as if you were an inconvenience?
Society teaches us manners from a young age and apologizing for our bad actions is probably the most important core value we learn as kids. Still, it’s also fair to point out that girls are more likely, than their male counterparts, to want to achieve the high standards of ‘best behavior’. This is something which sticks even after school and it’s certainly something which remains with us as young women. Not many people would be surprised if they were told that women apologize more than men. However, it’s not just a female problem and it would be unfair to assume that it is. Nevertheless, the idea of the traditional woman being caring and somewhat careful with her actions has always existed throughout history. The idea that we should make others happy (read: our seniors and men) is embedded into the patriarchal system of our society. That is where the issue lies.
If we’re making constant apologizing a norm... What are we doing?
For one, constant apologies feed into the lack of confidence which many women possess, and we can often find ourselves apologizing for our appearance or behavior. The beauty standards of the fashion and social media world are enough to make many of us feel insecure. However, real-life is never the same as a thought-out photoshoot and it has always been known that the pictures on our feeds can make us feel bad about the way we look. We may feel as though we need to live up to these physical qualities, to change our appearances, habits, likes and dislikes in order to become something we’re not. Yet, the reality is, we can be tired, overwhelmed, generally ‘done’, and often look ‘rough’ - but what’s the point of apologizing for the effects that reality has on us? We make sure to excuse the state of our hair if it’s not as straight or styled as it should be and we excuse our tiredness or the bags under our eyes, just to say sorry for how our day-to-day lives have made an impact on us.
Rae Jacobson’s article, ‘Why Girls Apologize Too Much’, talks about the effects of contradicting standards bestowed on girls from an early age. It points out the negative impacts that over-apologizing can have and pushes the idea that it can further diminish our confidence and how we appear to other people.
“...when a girl starts a statement by saying, “Sorry, but…” or “I might be wrong, but …” she may think she’s being polite, but it undermines what she’s about to say. “It says ‘I don’t feel confident in what I’m about to say or my right to say it,” explains Dr. Rachel Busman, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute.”
One of the things that the article points out is the collection of contradictions we are given. For example, you should be confident, but not too confident in case you sound conceited. You should aim to be smart, but don’t be too smart because nobody likes someone who knows everything. You should work hard for your goals, but not too hard because nobody likes a try-hard.
We are empathetic by nature. However, as youngsters, we are praised on that empathy and this appraisal can also backfire. As previously mentioned, the traditional woman is an empathetic, caring individual and this is still present in our society today. We still see men as being more practical or even power-hungry. Still, basing a woman’s ‘good behavior’ on her empathetic capacity continues to encourage the idea of conflicting qualities.
It influences how we perceive ourselves and our actions. Frequent apologizing can lead to us undermining our opinions and thoughts before we even begin to assert them. Why is that? We become scared of becoming offensive or seeming like we come off ‘too strong’. We begin to create constant doubt over our rights as free-thinking individuals and so we tip-toe around other people’s feelings, sometimes disregarding our own.
This is especially relevant when it comes to relationships. One young woman I spoke to pointed out that girls’ empathy translates into most aspects of their life and she used toxic relationships as an example of this.
“I think it’s ingrained into society that women have to bow down to men and do whatever to keep/make them happy (in terms of dating), so often, girls apologize in toxic relationships in order to keep the guy happy.”
In a way, whilst we are trying to maintain the conditions of a healthy relationship, we may find ourselves disregarding our needs and thoughts in order to not provoke the other person. This is where we may end up using the word ‘sorry’ incorrectly and unfairly. In other words, girls may find themselves putting the blame on no one else but them. They may feel scared to speak out against the actions of their partner or they may never even bring up certain worries they may have. To avoid a fight or a breakup, women potentially make themselves the villain in order to make the other person feel better, to save a relationship, or to turn away a fight they may not have the energy for.
Nonetheless, over-apologizing has an impact on our career life, our social life, and our overall image to other people. Although we shouldn’t focus on what other people think, frequent apologizing can create a sense of self-doubt. This isn’t just important for our progression career-wise, but it’s also very important for the belief in our capabilities. With many movements trying to empower girls, something as little as what we do and say daily can have a major impact on how we begin to think. Simply apologizing for the things that require it can be game-changing in the way we think about ourselves as people. Although putting ourselves first can be seen as selfish, putting ourselves back and downplaying our actions and thoughts feeds into the assumptions and inequalities we still face today.